Suicide
by theclownsarethere
Summary: Alex Vause is done with life. With everything going down the drain dramatically after prison she is done taking from the world and is ready to take her own life. Piper's in her life and she loves her but Alex has hurt her enough. She is ready to end it all.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Suicide.**

Alex ran the cold steel blade lightly across the nape of her neck. There was no pain, not yet at least. She knew there would never be any pain, no more pain after this. All she had to do was press in with one swift motion and it would all be over. Finally she could be at rest with no more worries ever again.

 _No, no fucking way. She couldn't do this._

Alex dropped the knife to the floor and she collapsed down on the rough tile. The small bathroom was ugly as all hell; mold ran rampant over the thin plaster walls, gaping cracks spread over the entire ceiling and left sidewall by the mirror, and the ugly beige and lime green color mix of tiles on the floor and shower were absolutely obnoxious. It was a fitting place for her death, she certainly didn't deserve so noble a death. Yet, once again, she was too pussy to go through with it, a disappointment all the way to the end.

Tears she'd long suppressed welled up beyond the threshold where she could hold then back and with a sudden sob they burst freely in grooves from her dark green eyes. The trickling torrent tore down her cheeks to the miserable tile as she curled up in the fetal position on the filthy floor.

 _No she couldn't back out this time, she could go through with this to the end. The blade was sharp enough to do the deed, all she had to do was stop ruining the world and end it all. One cut and all her suffering would be over._

Alex sighed as she suppressed her sob and she rolled over to her knees. The jagged tiles cut into her as she did so and she felt her knees begin to bleed, but she no longer cared, soon she wouldn't have to care about anything anymore. She picked up the rusted blade held it up in the light.

 _Do it you fucking screw up, do it right fucking now! What you can't even kill yourself, you're even a failure at that…_

"Stop it!" she screamed with rage as she sent the blade down and into her flesh.

She slashed the long line and curved mark deep into her arm. It wasn't fatal, but it felt so liberating, another scar to accompany all the others.

She wouldn't have to hide this scar like she'd hid the rest of them; soon only the make-up artist would care about it at her funeral and then she would be their problem.

Alex sighed and brought the blade up so the tip lightly circled her neck. Blood dripped down her outer throat as the steel moved over her, the feeling of death so close and intimate. But as she tried to press further into her neck the blade suddenly became steadfast and wouldn't budge a nanometer further; it was as if it were being held away from her, never to let her liberate herself.

Tears sprung free anew from her eyes. She just wanted it all to end so she could stop ruining it all, ruining everything she touched.

She'd been nothing but a burden to Dianne. While her mom worked 4 jobs so she could survive in her harsh life as a single parent with no education, all Alex had done was be a selfish brat; _her mom had deserved much better than her._

Then she'd gone on and become a scum of society as well, a heroin dealer, selling poison away for profit without care. So many had died from what she did, many more lives ruined, _that was all her doing_.

Then there was Piper. God, when they'd first met in that bar so many years ago Piper had been her golden girl, a creature of pure light and innocence. She'd taken that blonde lamb to her bed and showed her love and made her happy, but like with everything else she fucked her up too. She'd pulled her into her illegal business, gotten her thrown in prison, lied to her, then the trial, oh it had all been so fast and she had put Piper through more than enough.

Piper could have done anything she wanted before Alex. She could have gone on and lived a life in a big house working a job she had passion and love for. But because of her Piper was dirt poor working as a typist for 12 hours per day. Because of her Piper's fingers were worn out all day instead of getting hand massages. Because of her Piper was suffering, and she couldn't let that happen anymore, she couldn't put Piper through that anymore.

"For you Pipes, my sunshine in the dead of night. I do this for you."

Alex felt the steel obey her now as she pressed it closer to her neck. She felt the flesh start to give as the blade began to sink in deeper.

Now she could do it, now she could die.

 **Author's Notes: So I wrote this story a while back and just started to look over it now in the new year. I haven't really done much with stuff recently so I wanted to toss this piece out there. I rarely see much darkness and real conflict in some of these fics, but oitnb is a lot better at dark than most anything else. There is always darkness and I love writing about it. I'm not the darkest of writers, but I like to play with hurt and misery. I hope you guys enjoy this one and we'll see how it turns out.**

 **-TCAT.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Piper.**

It was all so easy now. But just as the metal made contact the sound of activity in the other room made her pull the blade back, someone was there.

"Alex, I'm home. Come on Alex, where are you?"

 _Shit, Piper._

"I'm in the bathroom," Alex shouted back. "Just throwing on some clothes, I'll be out in a minute."

The footsteps drew closer and Alex grew more frantic as she tried to hide the knife and get her clothes over the cuts, she needed to hide the cuts, she had to hide the cuts.

"Alex, do you want me to help you get dressed?" Piper offered as she began to open the bathroom door.

"No, no, no."

Alex slammed against the door, forcing it shut.

"Alex are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just give me a minute," she shouted.

"Are you sure you're okay Alex?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She had to force her hand over her mouth to stop the whimpers and sobs from rocketing out of her as Piper's footsteps moved away from her.

 _She couldn't get emotional, she couldn't drag Piper into her shit like that, whatever she did she couldn't do that._

Slowly Alex calmed herself and stashed the knife in her pocket. She moved to the sink and ran the water taking a cloth to her arm and wiping the blood away as best she could.

 _She'd keep the arm behind her back and Piper wouldn't see the scars, she couldn't see the cuts._

Alex slowly stepped out of the bathroom and found Piper on the sorry excuse for a couch, stirring coals as she started the fire anew in the old fire place. The house was frigid and so Piper huddled by the fire, her fingers fast at work on it.

Outside the wind howled, rocking the bones of the creaky house all around them. The sound made her feel it would tumble down on them any second, but Alex didn't care, it would just be peace for once.

"So I guess you got dressed for me, I imagine the undressing will be my job huh?" Piper grinned as she looked up.

Somehow even after a full day of work Piper still held a dazzling smile. The way her eyes shone always seemed so genuine and warming.

Yet Alex stared back blankly as she sank down onto the other side of the couch. Piper schootched and sat beside her, her hand lightly resting on Alex's thigh. Neither of them spoke, they just sat and listened to the crackling fire and the menacing howl of the wind. Slowly Piper moved her hand up Alex's thigh and…

"I'm not in the mood Piper," Alex scoffed as she brushed her hand away.

"Hey after working my fingers all day I want to put them to some real work towards making you happy..."

"I said I'm fine Piper."

Piper moved away a little, looking at Alex in an almost alien way, skepticism and something else rocketing through her puzzled mind.

"Alex, are you okay?"

"I said I'm fine Piper," Alex snapped, her face growing red hot like the coals in the fire. "What part of I'm fine don't you fucking understand?"

"Alex, I just want you to let me in," Piper sighed. "It's a cold winter here and we're both exhausted, but I thought we could just stare into each other's eye as we hold the little heat we have before this feeble fire. I thought that could connect us back to the old days when..."

"I'm just not in the mood for cuddling or poetry Pipes. Why don't you head to bed…"

"Alex, what's that red mark on your neck."

Her face grew hotter with guilt.

"It's nothing."

"But…"

"It's nothing," Alex assured. "Look Piper, I'm just tired, that's all."

"Well so am I… I just thought we could kiss or cuddle, or somehow show each other some support in this cold."

"I've got it Pipes, I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll make it up to you then."

Alex flashed a slight grin as she stood up and kissed Piper softly on the lips.

"We can have our fun tomorrow night, I promise."

Piper smiled as she left Alex's side and headed towards the bedroom.

Alex stared after her, barely able to suppress her tears. She let her fingers drift down her thigh where Piper's hand had been, then drift down into her pocket. Her hand locked around the knife in her palm and she felt the cool steel drain the heat from her hands.

Slowly she lifted the blade out of her pocket and watched the flickering flames in the mesmerizing metal. She smiled as the tears broke free and she sunk back in low light.

Soon she'd be dead, but for now the fire was magic before her eyes, the only scrap of magic she had left in her life on her last night of life.

"Soon we'll be together my love, together in a better life,

We'll soon be free to do as we wish with no limits and ultimate power,

I'll leave you soon and I do it for your own good,

Soon we'll be together my love, soon we'll bath on in an eternal shower."

Alex closed her eyes and cried, getting ready to make her move, her final move.

 _For Piper, she'd do it for Piper._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: A Night Alone.**

Alex sank down deeper into the musty lime green couch cushions as she watched the clock slowly tick on past 3 AM. Piper had gone to bed and reached sleep hours ago while she was nowhere near any such thing.

How could she sleep? She wasn't only an emotional train wreck, but also had to sleep on a couch that was too short causing her long legs to hang over the edge, and it smelled like vomit and cat pee. They hadn't been too careful in choosing out free furniture, so this is what they had. _At least it was warm by the fire._

Alex rolled over and stared on into the dancing coals from what was the fire. There was no doubt about it, she was miserable, too miserable even to take her own life. The idea of death was sound, but something was still gnawing at her. She still felt there was something she needed to figure out before death, something she had to know. All night it hadn't come to her and the ideas still eluded her mind's grasp.

Alex rolled back over and looked at the blade once more in the palm of her hand. The cold steel glinted in the low moonlight, sending sparks through her mind.

 _Just do it, just do it for Piper._

But she'd lost her iron will and could no longer bring the blade to her throat. She couldn't do it, especially not this late.

Alex sighed in defeat.

They had nothing, they still had nothing. Back when she'd run heroin into the country they'd had everything. Her apartment had been huge, it had a soft bed, and a shower fit for a king. Now all they had was a rickety old house with tiny bed only fit comfortably for one and a shower only fit for the king of all molds that grew on its walls. It was miserable, it was more miserable than prison. In prison at least there had been the thought, the lingering hope and taste of freedom that lay beyond the barb wire and bars. But freedom no longer tasted sweet, it had gone sour with the growing mold of reality sneaking in.

After prison they weren't getting anywhere. Alex had no life skills besides drug trafficking, she had no real passions, she had nothing, nothing besides Piper.

Alex sat up on the couch and looked into the fire, turning the blade over and over in her hands. _Piper deserved better,_ she deserved the life of a queen, not what Alex had condemned her too. It was all her fault and there was nothing she could do to help Piper besides ending it all. Her life insurance might cover something, that was one of the few things they had left and Piper would need the money to start over without her. She needed Alex to be gone, yet Alex didn't have the strength to do what was necessary. _She was weak..._

In rage Alex lashed out and stabbed into her leg with the cold blade. Blood spit forth and tears shot from her eyes with the pain. She gasped and desperately tore the blade free from her leg and watched at blood boiled and barraged forth from her thigh.

It wasn't a serious cut, if it was at least she'd be dead after all, but in a painfully slow way; it could be worse. Alex laid back before the fire and stared into the coals. She folded the crumpled note she had prepared for Piper in her hands in case she never woke up and clutched it tightly in the folds of her hands.

The clock kept ticking, the only sound besides the wind in the night.

Tears, tears and shaking sobs burst from her closed eyes. Trails of tears flowed like a waterfall from her eyes as even the red coals surcame to the darkness of the night.

 _Weak, she was weak…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Feeling Like A Hero.**

Alex was deep asleep in only seconds, but her dreams felt like they lasted for eternity. Then the mist faded and it all became clear, so crystal clear.

She was in a white room. It looked like prison all over again, but simply wasn't. The walls seemed made out of some unearthly material that was pure white vapor, all unfilled in and cold as if it was made from clouds. Everything was etched in white, and it all stayed just out of focus in the background.

Then Piper stepped out of the mist to greet her. Alex looked up but saw something was so wrong. She backed up, her head spinning with confusion. The woman before her was exactly like Piper except her eyes flashed bright brown instead of blue, an all too familiar brown.

"Who are you?" Alex hissed defensively. "I said who are you?"

"Don't you remember me baby, I'm the best girlfriend you ever had."

"No you're not, Piper was and I know you're not her."

"Of course I'm not Piper, don't be ridiculous; I'm heroin. You said I was the greatest girlfriend, you said I was always there for you. You know that's the truth and I can be here for you while she isn't any time you need me."

"No you're not good, you're an evil bitch that's what you are. Now leave me alone," Alex sputtered.

"No Alex, you were right, I'm the love of your life and I won't leave you as easily as Piper will. She doesn't love you like I do, she doesn't make you feel like I do, she isn't here for you like I always am at the tip of a needle."

"But…"

"You don't have to give me up babe, let me prove it to you. Here let me hold you, let me comfort you and do all the work, all I have is time to give. All I do is give."

Alex wanted to scream, she wanted to turn and run or spit curses in this monster's face, but she simply couldn't turn her away. She didn't have the willpower, not anymore. She had fought the urge to use off for so long, so long that she lost all her fight and now ran on nothing but fumes. She couldn't fight anymore, especially since it was only a taste.

The brown eyed Piper walked to her and looked her in the eyes. Alex looked away bitterly. Then the sensation snapped her attention back as the woman laid her hands on Alex's arms; the feelings were immediately fantastic. It was as if she'd been hit with a bump after all these years and it felt like such a warm welcome home. Her body swam with sensation as she felt herself lifted off into the sky as she floated and flew, the feeling of perfections filling her to the roof of her corporeal existence, every molecule of her vibrating with power. All was perfect.

Then the darkness hit and the white clouds faded from her view. She looked about as her feelings fell away, her high ruined by voices, so many voices. The dream was gone and there was only darkness and the voices all screaming at her and she was falling. Alex tumbled helplessly into the eternal darkness her mind crumpling under the power of thousands of voices in the darkness.

 _Weak..._

 **Author's notes: Future chapters will be longer, but I enjoy doing short ones so we'll see.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Off To Work.**

Alex woke up feeling like utter shit. Her body groaned, every muscle aching as she tried to rise to her feet. She couldn't make it.

She flopped back onto the couch, the two short thing only reminding her how bad her back ached. She just laid there helplessly without the wonder and peace of the night. The light was there and everything was sensory chaos. People always smiled as if the day was good, but the day wasn't good, it was a false setting where people hid in plain sight. Kubra had always reminded her of that, always one step ahead of her until she won and ultimately lost.

The smell of pancakes wafted into her nostrils and into her thoughts, but all she smelled was the saturation of sugar which only made her sick to her stomach.

 _Poison, people eating poison so others could prey upon them. How was that not a crime?_

If it had been any earlier Alex wouldn't have gotten up, she couldn't stand to have gotten up. Her bones felt like broken glass, sweat covering her whole body, while her heart raced off at relative speeds. The only problem was there was no tiger for her to fight or flee from, all there was was a striped beast named Tuesday waiting to devour her and her soul.

 _Get up. Get the fuck up._

She didn't budge, she just stared up at the ceiling.

 _The knife._

Yes, the knife was right in the cushions where she'd stowed it away. Any second now she could pull it from its cushion of a sheath and bury it within her breast.

 _It was the roman way to die, to run upon a sword._

No, it was still the coward's way out. In rome you had to have someone else do the deed or hold the blade, she'd heard that somewhere. Piper, Piper must have said that sometime. She was always spouting this and that fact… but… the fact was it didn't make it any better.

The sunlight continued to play across the ceiling, the light reminding her of candlelight in the dead of night. She didn't like the day, she was a person of the night, someone who held the power and enjoyed it.

Still Alex knew she was missing something. She felt like her life was in the light above her. _It was stupid, she was stupid to be such an idiot._

Still there was something there, there was some truth in the light above her, some truth about her life that was staring her in the face, a truth she didn't know yet.

 _She couldn't die, not until she figured it out._

Alex slowly climbed off the couch and fumbled to put on her glasses in the bright light. Her body wobbled and her vision blurred as if she didn't have enough blood sugar to see straight, it was a familiar feeling. Food made her sick now, after prison she'd thought anything would be great. She'd loved food before, but now she could barely stand it. She'd lost weight, she knew that much easily; all her ribs showed as her thin skin clung tightly to it. Piper would be concerned, but she hadn't seen her naked or without a bulky sweater in months. She didn't need to know, she wouldn't know.

Slowly but methodically Alex made her way and stumbled into the kitchen area.

The place was the warmest in the house and the most sickening. They had a small electric stove that had been there from at least the 70's and the cramped little room had to be smaller than her old walk in closet. Still somehow Piper found it to be cozy and cozy enough to make pancakes on a Tuesday morning, something was really off.

 _Food, Alex hated food._

"Well look who's up," Piper beamed.

 _Something's off, shit her leg._

Alex was luckily on the right side of the counter, the right side of the counter to press her leg up against to avoid Piper's gaze. She could throw on sweats and hide the cuts, she could do that.

"Sup Pipes?" Alex managed as she sunk down to a lien on the counter as casually as she could muster.

"Sup then Alex, and how are you today?"

"Shitty as always, how about you Pipes?" Alex groaned.

"I could be better if someone was willing to get to work in my pipes that is," Piper shot back with a wicked grin. Alex couldn't even manage a smile.

"Sorry babe, but you're the one that's held back on me before, and…"

"I'm worried about you Alex," Piper stated outright as she turned towards Alex, her mood dropping faster than the real estate prices after a nuclear fallout.

"What?" Alex sputtered, her face growing red. "I…"

"It's just that I thought you'd be happy when we finally got out of prison Al. I thought you'd love anything but that place and that this would all work out. I thought we'd just get some time away from the big city and live up here in the state on our own little patch of land..."

"Sorry Pipes, but I'm just someone who doesn't know when they have it good. I am the Lennie to your George here, I don't know any better than misery. Really I'm just a burden to everyone around me."

"Alex…"

"No Piper it's the fucking truth. I don't do anyone any good, anytime. I hate my life, I hate my job, and I hate the way I fucking treat you. You've stuck through all this shit with me and for what, so I can just fucking complain all the time? No Piper that is just fucked up, I am just fucked up. You need to be treated like a fucking goddess, not some stupid cum rage I can bitch at."

"Alex.."

"No Pipes I just need to calm down and get to work so I can enjoy the fun of scrubbing dishes all fucking day."

"Alex…"

But she was already on her way out.

Alex ignored the pancakes behind her as she ignored her jacket and stamped out into the cold chills of the winter air. Her stomach was empty and so was her will to live. Her body immediately clamped up with her shorts and plain t-shirt in the fresh snow and freezing weather.

 _Maybe she'd curl up and die in the snow, or freeze to death._ She didn't care, life was a pointless list of fuckups and that was it. It would be a blessing to die.

Just one more day, she'd only have to live one more day and then she'd get her chance to die and once again. This time she'd do it, she couldn't bare the pain anylonger.

 _For Piper, she'd do it for Piper._

 **Author's Notes: Sometimes there are those who need saving, those who don't want to be saved. In life our minds aim to make us miserable here and there. Fighting it, suffering through it, whatever happens, happens. There is no easy cure for the troubles of life, no cure besides control. We can control our thoughts and nothing else. Our thoughts are all we have.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Work.**

The day at work was impossibly slow. The cafe was old and all the people in it were old. Alex felt like she was dead every day that she stood there, she was dead but only on the inside.

Unlike the secluded house on the hill she shared with Piper, the cafe was situated right in the middle of the small town; crime was rampant and the people were as bitter as dried out crabapples. Tensions ran high, she just wanted all of it to burn!

Alex sighed and stuck to washing dishes. Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke… Only 10 more hours and then maybe she'd have a stroke...

"Alex, we need you at table 3," the manager snapped irritably.

Alex grimaced; her manager was as round as world record pumpkin, but with the bitter flavor of greed and distaste just below the surface. She should be so lucky, life was just egging her on to die. If she killed herself now at least someone else would have to clean it up.

"Alex get out here right now."

Alex gritted her teeth and shoved her pot back in the soapy water. She strode quickly out to the table where a grizzled old man sat at an old and dusty table. She could smell the stench of his chewing tobacco from a mile away.

"May I take your order," she sighed.

"Well you're the prettiest waitress I've seen in a long time. What say I get some of that?"

"No thanks bud, now can I get your fucking order?"

"Maybe you treat me better and I'll show you a tip of more money than you've ever seen before. Maybe out back in minute?"

Alex sighed and walked away from the table, the gross guy grinning on behind her. Her manager stomped after her into the kitchen. She'd had enough, enough of this every fucking day.

"You need to be nicer to the customers," he snapped. "Do you think orders just fucking take themselves?"

Alex slammed a plate into the water, soap flying around her.

"Maybe you need to not send me out as an appetizer for the hell of it," she snapped.

"Well you need to change your fuckin attitude girl or you're out. I doubt many other establishments would hire someone with your… history."

"Excuse me?" Alex scowled, daggers shooting from her eyes. Her manager didn't back down.

"You need to work harder or you ain't getting nothing but a mother fucking pink slip is all I'm saying. Now get back to that table and be entertaining."

But Alex had had enough. She threw off her apron down into soapy water.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he fumed.

Alex grinned and shoved her manager backwards. He quickly tripped and tumbled over on his pudgy ass. Alex felt almost gleeful as she looked down at him.

 _Who had the power now?_

"Are you insane?" he groveled.

"Probably, and by the way, I quit you fucking fuckwad."

Alex stormed out of the kitchen, rage running through every molecule of her body.

The guy still grinning at her.

"Oh is it time for my shift sweet heart?"

Alex didn't bother replying with words. Her leg kicked up and landed right against his crotch. He fell to the floor, doubled over in pain.

"Thanks for the tip, I hope that got you off to your satisfaction."

He continued to spasm on the floor as she walked out of the small cafe. Outside the air was blistering cold, but she didn't feel the chill.

Alex needed a hit and she needed it now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: High.**

Together they didn't have much cash, but what little they had was stored under a loose board in the creaky old kitchen of the small house. After what they'd been through Piper didn't trust anyone with money, she didn't trust anyone besides Alex.

Ironic, so ironic.

Their ways with money reminded Alex of a time she'd heard about in the past, a time where banks were never trusted and money was always stored in some secret spot. It was an older america, a brutal past she didn't want to live in either.

There was no way out of it all, there was only temporary escape from the ever pounding pain of life. Life was pain and that was all it was, pain and suffering. The problem would never be resolved, there was no place for her in the world and no way for her to be happy. As much as Piper and her mind tried to tell her otherwise, it was the truth. Soon she'd be dead, but not until she knew the secret her mind hadn't told her yet. She had to live that long, long enough to feel good at least one last time.

Half covered in sweat in her now fully tattered clothes, Alex painstakingly pried the board loose nail by nail. Piper had done it herself, this was their last stash of cash and she'd made getting into it a nightmare, but Alex would handle nightmares, that was her life.

Once the final nail broke free of the splintering board, she tore it out of the floor. It was half rotten like the rest of the old house, but not nearly as rotten as her heart.

 _Please don't do this, you don't have to do this to Piper, don't hurt her even more._

But she didn't care, her life was about her and her death would be too. She wouldn't spend all of it, just enough for a bump or two.

Greedily Aled reached down into the small space and latched her fingers tightly around the cash. She counted it all as she took it up into the low light. There was only a few hundred dollars, but it was more than enough for what she needed. Alex stuffed half of the cash in her pocket and marched back towards the crime filled town. She was in the middle of nature but she saw no beauty in it. There was no beauty left in the world.

With every freezing step she took she begged herself more and more to go back to the house and forget it, but her legs had a mind of their own. She couldn't keep this up, _she had to get a hit._

Alex marched on through the harsh wind, only warmed by the feeling she knew was coming to her soon. 10 minutes later she had it in her palm, 2 grams of hard core heroin in her for $200. She'd had way more product on hand as an importer, but now this was all she had. Oh if she'd only had a kilogram of stuff then that would be the way to die, of so fucking good…

She walked away from the dealer her head began to ache with pain. She felt like shit for what she was doing but she couldn't stop herself from feeling excited as she ran back home. If she'd just died and not been a pussy about it, then this would be happening, but now she was just taking and taking more from Piper. _All she did was take, hurt, and destroy._

Her entire life she'd always felt like shit. She was never a real person, she never would have that luxury again. If she stuck to what path society carved out for her then she was worse than dead, she couldn't be the common cog, she couldn't handle the pain of all those gears grinding on her temple nonstop... The drug in her hand was her only escape, her parting package to the shitty world of life.

She picked up her pace as she sped back towards their house her mind wired only on getting her fix. Soon she'd be happy, soon she'd feel free.

 **Author's Notes: Sorry about the late chapter guys. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading and reviewing.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Injection.**

Alex watched the bubbles boil up and cook free of the spoon as she dipped the needle into the now chocolate colored liquid. She knew you lost more H the more it bubbled but Nicky had been right, there was something beautiful in the chemistry of it all.

Alex pulled the plunger back on her syringe and watched the liquid rise up into the chamber as she filled it fully. Her veins now bulged more than ever, her body begging for the drug. _Easy, it was so easy to inject now. She just needed the hit so badly..._

Alex tied the rubber hose she'd found under the old kitchen sink around her arm and prepped for her release, checking the bulging vein to be sure as she tested the needle and squirted a small bit of it into the air.

 _It was ready, all ready to go. So_ _what was she waiting for?_

Part of her still didn't want to do it. Part of her was in a somersaulting freefall, screaming at the top of her lungs for help.

Piper, she could just tell Piper. No matter what Piper had always come to love her again, after all that had happened Piper still ended up holding her tight in her arms and comforting her with her lips.

Still as the thought of reaching out for help occured so did the thoughts of all that she'd done and all those that she'd hurt. At the forefront of it all was Piper, poor Piper who she'd subjected to too much. She couldn't think clearly, she just needed a taste and then it would all get much better with the rush in her. Her baby brown would know how to help her like she used to back in the old days when she still had money, a real job, a purpose...

Alex stabbed the needle down into her arm and let it flow through her. She removed the band and instantly there was warmth, so much warmth flowing forth from her arm into her entire body. It felt like she was coming home for the first time in so many years, finally coming home to feel like a real person again and no longer society's slave.

Alex sighed as she pulled the needle out of her arm and cast it under the nearest couch cushion. Piper would never know, she'd never know, she couldn't know or else…

Piper would forgive her, Alex knew Piper would always forgive her, but she didn't want forgiveness or help. She wanted to feel alive again, to get power and control back where it belonged in the palm of her hand.

She needed control...

Finally with the heroin flowing into her system, Alex could relax and be home as she felt herself floating, floating off the sodden of the musty couch cushions and flying high towards long missed beauty. It felt so great, so insanely great that she never wanted it to end. And for a while it wouldn't. For a while all would be bliss before it all crashed into chaos.

She felt in control once again.

 **Author's Notes: Next time we get some fun times with Piper as she starts to see things are wrong and Alex tries to cover them up once more. Will Alex get help after all or is there no hope for her now?**


End file.
